Month: November 2016

Being Grateful

Posted on by David Malter

It’s that’s time of year (Thanksgiving), when many of us take a moment to focus on what we are grateful for. For as long as I can remember, it has been a tradition in my family that my mother goes around the Thanksgiving table and asks each of us (grown-ups and kids) what we are grateful for. For a long time, this question elicited some eye rolling by me, even though I should have been past eye rolling. Why does focusing on what we grateful for often bring out the cynics in us and, more importantly, what can we do to banish this cynicism.

It’s the human condition to focus on the negative: the wet towels left on the floor, the less than kind response from a boss or spouse, and the many things that have been left undone in our busy lives. These negative thoughts can often dominate our thinking. However, we need to make a conscious effort to counter this negative bias and instead shine a light on what is working and good in our lives. We know that what we focus on is what we see and react to so we need to make a concerted effort not to get caught up in negative messages and feelings. As I have written about before, we have “mirror neurons,” the pathways in our brain that connect us to other people. When we are positive and grateful, this attitude will rub off on each other. Conversely, when we are negative and contentious with each other, that attitude and behavior will dominate. Both our positive and negative energy bounce off each other. So my question to you is, how do we see the best in ourselves and others so that we can create a positive, instead of a negative, ripple effect?

One suggestion, is to actively engage in gratitude exercises. Just like engaging in weight training exercises builds our muscles, engaging in gratitude exercises builds our ability to see the best in ourselves and others and leads to overall more positive feelings. I recently shared and participated in a gratitude activity (https://ideas.classdojo.com/b/gratitude) with my students. In this activity, each of us (including me) picked a person from a hat and then shared with that individual what we were grateful for in them. Both sharing and receiving these words of kindness and well wishes was uplifting and brought a smile to all our faces, a smile that lasts even as I write about this experience. So, at our Thanksgiving tables this year, let’s all make a commitment to focus on what we are grateful for and to lead lives which focus on the positive and see the best in one another.

My warmest wishes to you and your family for a peaceful Thanksgiving holiday. And, let’s all make a commitment to less eye rolling!

Feeling extremely grateful that my forthcoming book is now on PRE-ORDER. To order please go to: https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Guide-Teens-Perseverance-Self-Control/dp/1626258562/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1479599837&sr=8-1&keywords=teen+grit 

Please check out my website at DrBaruchFeldman.com for additional blogs, articles, and presentations.
Follow me on twitter: @carenfeldman

Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman's Very Own Psychological Top Ten List

Posted on by David Malter

 

I had a choice this month, break my habit of writing a blog each month or share one of my favorite blogs from the past. I chose to keep my habit going and share a favorite blog. With 1 hour left in the month, here are some of my favorite things (10 of them). These ideas still resonate with me, I hope they resonate with you! Enjoy 🙂

I created my very own top 10 list. This list is a mix of some of the best quotes, videos, books, and ideas that have inspired me. I hope they inspire you as well.

1. “It all starts and ends with a positive relationship” by Caren Baruch-Feldman.

I recently watched a Ted Talk by Rita Pierson. She states, “Kids don’t learn from people they don’t like.” Therefore, before you do anything as a parent or as a teacher, make sure that a positive relationship has been established.

Check out the following Ted Talk. After watching it you will see the power of relationships and be inspired.
https://www.ted.com/talks/rita_pierson_every_kid_needs_a_champion?language=en

In addition, if you want to read a book that will inspire you to establish a positive relationship, read any book by Dr. Robert Brooks. Dr. Brooks writes, and more importantly lives his life, based on this philosophy.

2. “Change your thoughts and you change your world” by Norman Vincent Peale.

As many of you know, I am a big believer in mindset.  We don’t always have control over our situation, but we do always have control over our thoughts. In an inspirational Ted Talk given by Dr. Kelly McGonigal, she demonstrates how to make stress our friend by changing our mindset.

https://kellymcgonigal.com/2014/11/15/watch-my-ted-talk-how-to-make-stress-your-friend/

If you want to learn more from Dr. McGonigal, I highly recommend her latest book, The Upside of Stress and her audiotape The Neuroscience of Change.

3. “If you can surf your life rather than plant your feet, you will be happier” by Amy Poehler (the comedian) from Yes Please.

I often find that people who expect life to follow a straight and sturdy path are frustrated and disappointed. However, if you expect life to be more like a wave you need to surf, you will be less disappointed and more at peace. One way to get more comfortable with the waves of life is to meditate. I think you will enjoy this video on the power of meditation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZ1-Nj3vcXY

4. Be gritty and develop a growth mindset. (Dr. Angela Duckworth and Dr. Carol Dweck).

If something is not accomplished, don’t give up. In addition, change a “fixed mindset” to a “growth mindset.” Furthermore, remember the power of the word “yet.” For example, instead of saying, “I am not good at fractions,” say, “I am not good at fractions YET.”  Two videos on this topic are a must.

https://www.ted.com/talks/angela_lee_duckworth_the_key_to_success_grit (grit)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-swZaKN2Ic (yet)

5. “It is easier to change our surroundings than ourselves” by Gretchen Rubin.

In the words of my mentor Dr. Albert Ellis, we are fallible human beings.  So to change a habit or ourselves, we must work to change our surroundings, rather than try to conquer willpower.  Simply put, make it easy to be good and hard to be bad.  Dr. Shawn Achor gives a great example in his book the Happiness Advantage, where he speaks about taking the batteries out of his TV remote and sleeping in his gym clothes  in order to make it easier to run and harder to watch  TV.  In addition, if you want an effective and an evidenced based strategy to change habits, WOOP it out (Dr. Gabriele Oettingen). See link below for more information on WOOP.

https://characterlab.org/goal-setting

I highly recommend: Shawn Achor’s Happiness Advantage and Gabriele Oettingen’s Rethinking Positive Thinking.

6. Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important by Stephen Covey from the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

It is very easy to get busy with unimportant but SUPPOSEDLY URGENT matters (emails, texts, whining). Don’t! Instead, spend time on things that are meaningful, but not necessarily urgent (e.g., reading to your children, connecting with old friends, meditating).

7. Drop the leash and watch those mirror neurons.

When someone throws you negative energy, don’t grab that leash. We tend to mirror the emotions so it is easy to get pulled into a negative cycle of emotions. Instead, mirror back to the person the way you want to be seen and remembered by taking a step back, breathing, and remembering what is important.

8. Let it GO.

In my job as a school psychologist, I am often dealing with social issues. Problems between children, between children and grownups, and between grownups. “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it kills your enemy,” Nelson Mandela. In the words of the movie, “Frozen,” it is often best to “Let it go.”

9. “It’s not happiness that makes us grateful; it’s gratefulness that makes us happy.” David Steindl-Rast

Focus on what is going well and let the other stuff drop into the background. Take the RED experiment created by Susan Fee…

Look around your current surroundings and try to find all the examples of RED that you can see. Give yourself 20 seconds to look around.  Now tell me, what did you see that was GREEN?  “Green,” I thought you said, “red.” I did say, “red,” however even though I said “red” you all looked around the room with your eyes, so why couldn’t you tell me what was “green”?

The reason is that our focus causes us to note only the object of our focus and everything else fades into the background. So what does this have to do with a positive outlook? If we focus on the negative, (the stress of everyday life) this negative focus will become prominent in our lives. Without meaning to, it will change our moods and attitudes to the negative. Conversely, if we focus on and are grateful for what we have, we will feel happier and more fulfilled.

Enjoy this Ted Talk on gratefulness.

http://www.ted.com/talks/david_steindl_rast_want_to_be_happy_be_grateful?language=en

If you want more, watch Shawn Achor’s Ted Talk. Even my teenage son was inspired by him to be grateful (although not always towards his mother).

http://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work?language=en

10. Be a Bucket Filler, not a Bucket Dipper.

We at Harrison Avenue School have made a commitment to be bucket fillers. It’s just as easy to be a “bucket filler” as to be a “bucket dipper.” Make that choice to be a “bucket filler” everyday. In addition, if someone dips in your bucket or someone else’s, use your lid to protect yourself and others so that you can be the best you that you can be!

http://www.bucketfillers101.com/

Hope you enjoyed my top 10 list. Thanks for allowing me to be a fallible, but always gritty person.

All the best,

Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman

Exciting news my upcoming book- The Grit Guide for Teens is available for pre-order at https://www.amazon.com/Grit-Guide-Teens-Perseverance-Self-Control/dp/1626258562/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1477966938&sr=8-1

Kids Lives Matter

Posted on by David Malter

We are very proud to share this thought provoking article in the St. Louis Dispatch written by Expert Online Training Faculty member, Kevin Gordon.

Anxiety and animosity regarding race, gender and inequality are approaching a tipping point. Last month, there was another black person killed by another white police officer. I wish this were an isolated act or a new story, but it’s not; daily, we learn about another horrific act targeting a minority group.

And don’t look at social media commentary for a respite; that’s just more of the same, and maybe even worse, since the faceless unaccountability there seems to embolden haters of all types.

However, instead of being devastated, we can act. Instead of continuing the divisiveness, we can find commonality, healing and togetherness. We can invoke change that we work together to facilitate.

Instead of arguing whether Black Lives Matter or All Lives Matter, most can agree that Kids Lives Matter. To combat violence and discrimination, we must empower children with cultural competence and incorporate temperance and understanding into our tomorrow. By focusing on youth, we can harness the power of establishing social change so we can move from hating and work toward celebration by cultivating a respectful and appreciative environment.

We’ve arrived at a crisis point because of segmentation. Left to our own devices (literally), it is easy for us to be connected only through our electronics, and stay hidden behind screens, where it’s too easy to depersonalize the “other.” It is too easy to misunderstand when you don’t see actual people on the other side. It’s too easy to reinforce only our narrow viewpoints.

I know that Kids Lives Matter and can be the answer; as the owner/director of a multicultural summer camp for children, I’ve seen how direct, early interaction can increase understanding and empathy. I’ve witnessed how kids of various racial, ethnic, religious and socioeconomic backgrounds can live, work and play together.

Unlike with most adults, it is easier to challenge kids’ thought processes. Before they become older and less flexible, children can reach their own conclusions and more readily accept, respect and love others. When kids come to camp, we remove those electronic screens and intentionally involve children of diverse backgrounds with each other. These interactions encompass socio-emotional and physical challenges, forcing them to stretch comfort zones.

Indeed, these direct interactions may be the only answer; unless we’re intentional about it, kids are not taught within their school curriculum or elsewhere about cultures beyond the dominant narrative. Kids (and adults) tend to form cliques so they fit in, rather than pushing themselves to stretch uncomfortable cultural, social and sometimes physical boundaries. Because our differences often speak louder than our similarities, this intentionality is key to helping us appreciate our commonalities, thus giving us leeway when differences might be hard.

 When we’re intentional about it, like at camp, we see how children can move from fearing difference to embracing it, from gathering based only on surface similarities to going deeper and connecting based on more in-depth connections.

In this era of segmentation and sequestration, we need to discourage segregation of thought. To move forward powerfully, we need to continue to find answers instead of anger, and engender empowerment instead of resentment. If we focus on bringing kids together to facilitate a better future, we may be alright. We have to do this soon because Kids Lives Matter.

Kevin Gordon is the owner/director of Camp Kupugani Multicultural Summer Camp in Leaf River, Ill. He is a former vice president of the American Camp Association Illinois Section

http://www.stltoday.com/news/opinion/kids-lives-matter/article_1cfe2b9a-52c2-5925-8e10-25087ca54241.html

Sara D. Huffman

Posted on by Hagai Maidenberg

“Expert Online Training delivers some of the best industry professionals into our dining hall each year during staff training. Even without meeting the EOT team in person, our staff members learn vital skills that help them become thoughtful and intentional guides for our campers. As they recall what they learned from the videos throughout the summer, our counselors feel as if they know and trust the people they met on the screen. Our staff training just wouldn’t be the same without EOT as together we help each staff members become their ‘best me at GRP!'”

Sara D. Huffman
Director, Green River Preserve