Spoiler Alert- Parts of Finding Dory, the movie, will be revealed in this month’s blog. Although I don’t think Finding Dory is a “thriller” that can be spoiled (you all know there is a happy ending), you may not want to read this blog if you don’t want to know details from the movie.

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For those of you not familiar with the story, Dory is a fish who has short-term memory loss. As a result of this condition, Dory loses her family. In Finding Dory, Nemo and Nemo’s father, Marlin, (from Finding Nemo) try to help Dory reconnect with her parents.

Four aspects of the movie made an impression on me. I believe we can all learn Persistence, Perseverance, the Power of Family and Friends, and Purpose from Dory.

Persistence

Dory was persistent. She had a goal and was passionate about it. She was undeterred even when she faced many setbacks. What enabled her to persist is that she felt her goal was important; she was confident in her success; and she did not get deterred by the costs (how scary or overwhelming this journey would be). Her mindset allowed her to be persistent! In order to be persistent try thinking like Dory.

Perseverance

Not only did she persist, Dory was also resilient. She faced many obstacles; however, she did not let these challenges define her. If anything, she became stronger and more equipped because of the challenges she faced. When Nemo and his father were really in a jam, they asked themselves, what would Dory do? Looking to what Dory would do, helped them to persevere.

Throughout the movie, Dory became stronger, braver and more independent. Interestingly, it was at her lowest and darkest point that her greatest growth occurred. That feeling of being in a dip – being confused, lost, and overwhelmed — can make you feel bad. But if you can reach a place where those feelings inspire you, that’s where people (and fish) grow.

The Power of Family and Friends

It is important to note that Dory could not have accomplished her goal alone. She had Nemo and Marlin to inspire her initially, and then received support from Hank the Octopus. She also had the warm, loving memories of her parents that provided confidence and reassurance. It was by tapping into all this support that Dory could ultimately grow more independent and handle any obstacle she faced.

Purpose

Dory had purpose. What do I mean by purpose? Her behavior was not just meaningful to herself (finding her parents), but to the world at large (strengthening others). By having purpose, she was able to both persist in her goal and be resilient in the face of setbacks.

At the end of the movie, you see Dory bravely sitting at the edge. What I found striking was that not only did Dory change and benefit from the support of others, but she also influenced others around her (e.g., Marlin, Hank) to be braver, more resilient, and to grow. When we reach out and support others, not only do they benefit and grow, but we benefit and grow as well.

In the words of Dory: “just keep swimming” and remember it is always best to swim with purpose and not alone.

Wishing everyone a great summer – Caren

“So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So…get on your way!

Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

This year is very special for my family- both my son and my daughter are graduating: my son from high school and my daughter from middle school (the school she has attended since nursery school). It is true what everyone says, “They grow up so fast.” But, what does not have to be true is focusing on the more immediate, but less important aspects of raising children without reflecting on what is important in the long-term. Graduations and transitions naturally lend themselves as periods of reflection. So even if you don’t have a child or student who is experiencing a big graduation, I ask you to stop, reflect, and ultimately share with the children who are in your care what you want for them in the long run, and not just today.

How can you do this? What if instead of one or two select students having to write commencement speeches, the parents teachers, and coaches of the world wrote to their children and students. What would we want to say? Ask yourself, if I needed to write a speech to a child in my life as he or she moved from one transitional place to another, what would the message be? Would it be pick up your coat? Don’t forget to study for math? How did you do on your English test? Or would it be different? Would the content be more about being a person of leadership and support to others? Would it be about finding balance and strength in their lives? Would it be about love and pride? I think you all would agree that the message would be more about the latter questions rather than the former.

So my question to you is, how do we avoid the trap of letting all or most of our conversations with our kids be about the small daily occurrences instead of the long-term picture? As humans we have a natural tendency to focus on the immediate, but not earth shattering, activities in our lives. Stephen Covey labels this tendency as “urgent, but not important” in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. How can we focus instead on what Stephen Covey calls, “non-urgent, but important.”

One way to accomplish this is to stop, take a moment, and reflect. Even better, write your own commencement speech to your children. In this speech, let the children in your life know how you feel about them. How proud you are of them. What your hopes are for them in the future. Even if the child in your life is graduating from 1st to 2nd grade, write a commencement speech for him or her. Let what you write be a shining light that gives your parenting, teaching, or mentoring its focus and direction.By the way, as many of you know, I am a big believer of not just “talking the talk,” but also “walking the walk.” So today after I told my son, “he could not leave the house until the clothes were picked up from the bathroom floor,” I also (not right after, but a little later) told him, “I am proud of you and the choices you have made,” and “I love you.” Although the urgency to say the words of love and encouragement was not the same as my request that he clean up and, the fact remains that my son still did not pick up his clothes after I reminded him, I know that ultimately it will be my words of love, encouragement, and pride that will shape my son. Happy graduation to all the graduates and their very proud parents,teachers, and mentors.

Wishing you all the best during this busy, but IMPORTANT time of year.

If you choose to do this activity, I would love to hear from you. Send me an email with your commencement speech. And remember, “you’re off to Great Places!” – Caren

I’ve been working with a client over the past few weeks on creating a Culture of Trust among their staff this summer. For many of us, Staff Training is about a month away and we should be thinking about how the staff we’ve hired are going to mesh. Here is a throwback post from Dr. Thurber that discusses the way staff treat each other and how that effects camp.

How Do We Treat Each Other?

How do we treat each other? was the question the leadership director at one of North America’s oldest overnight camps asked the staff one evening. It seemed to be an inane question, given the label of “brotherhood” that the staff had given itself for decades. But the silence in the room suggested legitimate soul-searching had begun. The leadership director, Tom Giggi, was also silent, prompting even more serious reflection. (One of Tom’s strengths is asking good questions; another is his ability to wait for thoughtful replies, rather than answering himself for the group.)

Back when I was a camper, I worshiped my cabin leader. At a camp with strong internal leadership development, it was easy. The prestige of becoming a staff member, borne in part from the competitive selection process, coupled with the pure kindness the staff exuded, meant that most campers at Belknap grew up wanting to become cabin leaders. But now Tom was asking us to peel back the outward layer of kindness and examine its internal purity.

My thoughts drifted to a version of that question I’d been asked by my division head, Mark Goodman, back in 1984, my leader-in-training year. It was my first time working at camp for the full nine-week season and the first time the fabric of kindness that ostensibly bound the staff into a brotherhood started showing tears near the seams.

“Why is Saul being excluded?” Mark had asked me, speaking then about one of my fellow LITs. My defensive response included a litany of Saul’s foibles. “Well,” I began, “he can be kind of annoying. I know he loves camp, but his over-the-top enthusiasm comes off as insincere. And he’s constantly asking questions he knows the answers to, just to make conversation. And he’s clingy. Sometimes people want to be in smaller groups during nights off, but Saul is always there glomming on.”

I went on for several minutes and Mark just looked at me, patiently nodding. Eventually I realized that I hadn’t answered Mark’s question at all. I’d answered the related question, “What don’t you like about Saul?” but not “Why is Saul being excluded?”  Mark was still silent. I swallowed hard, then spoke.

“Saul is being excluded because the rest of us LITs are excluding him.”  Mark nodded, almost imperceptibly. I took a deep breath. “Now I’m thinking that one of the reasons Saul is clingy and over-the-top is because we’re not including him like we should be.”  Mark’s eyes widened a bit. I continued: “You think if we treated Saul differently, he might change. You want us to include him more.”  Finally, Mark spoke. “That would seem like the kind, campy thing to do.”

And so began a new chapter in my understanding of how camp helps people grow. It’s a social microcosm that serves as a proving ground for almost every interpersonal transgression and its positive opposite. The dialectics of bullying—befriending, gossiping—confronting, rejecting—accepting, prejudicing—understanding, hating—loving, and, yes, excluding—including all infiltrate camp at different points in the summer. The key is to leverage the collective strengths of your staff to create a positive community. To do that takes regular, honest reflection and discussion.

Every staff group (indeed every group of human beings anywhere) will have conflicts and will, at times, mistreat one another. Having come to terms with that truth, camp professionals can prevent burnout, breakdown and belligerence by facilitating at least one pre-season and one mid-season discussion that begins with How do we treat one another?

What followed the pregnant pause in the lodge the night Tom posed that question to the staff was a great discussion that included:

• Silly habits that had grown into traditions unintentionally hurtful to others
• Greater awareness of others’ needs and ideas about providing support
• Increased motivation to be inclusive, for the good of all
• Sincere appreciation for the genuine kindness staff do show one another
• Renewed sensitivity about how the hierarchy among staff can become a barrier to candid communication

Most of the staff left the in-service training that night encouraged by the group’s insights and armed with two or three concrete new practices that were generous, inclusive, and more in line with the vision of leadership they had romanticized as campers. Only now, that vision of pure kindness seemed closer to reality. One staff member summarized it well: “We were doing some things to ourselves that we never would have tolerated having campers do to one another.”

This winter, plan a time or two to have your staff discuss their behind-the-scenes treatment of each other. Does the way they treat each other after hours, during time off, and away from campers truly reflect the values they purport to embrace as a member of your camp?

 

Watch May’s Flash Webinar with Sylvia van Meerten.  In just 30 minutes, Sylvia explained a few simple steps that will help you avoid the drama during the summer that comes with staff relationships.

TAKE A HIKE…SERIOUSLY.

Full disclosure…I had something else written and was about to hit “Post” when I had a moment of inspiration. Don’t worry, I will get back to that other post next month as it is really important and I want to share. When the idea I’m going to share hit me on a sunny day here in my awesome, adopted city of Philadelphia, I had to switch gears. I actually had to sit down and start writing down my thoughts (with real pen and paper!) to make sure this idea didn’t get drowned out once I got back to my inbox and to-do list on my desk.

We all need to take more walks. Seems like a simple concept, right? Ok then, when was the last time you left your phone on your desk, pushed back your chair, grabbed an iPod for some tunes and just walked?  I’m alluding to a walk with no errands, no destination, no phone call with a potential client (or camp family) or any other technology driven distraction.

Well, I have to admit that as much as I tell myself that it’s probably a good idea, most of my walks tend to be built around a purpose. I actually can’t remember the last time I took a walk just for the sake of walking. It is usually to visit someone or someplace, go to the gym or meet friends for dinner. So, in the midst of a busy day, I decided to drop it all, put some sneakers on and just stroll around the city.

This is an insanely busy time for camp people; I get it because I was one of you. I can’t stress enough that taking an uninterrupted, non-programmed walk will actually make you more productive, enhance your creativity and give you more focus. Here is what I was in the midst of when I decided to push the pause button for an hour: 2 different clients that I’m developing staff training for, 19 students and 9 mentors that I’m helping get through a Practicum process so those students can graduate, a couple of projects for ExpertOnlineTraining and come other proposals which will hopefully lead to camp clients. This was on top of the 75-100 emails I get a day about curriculum, student work, grades, paperwork, etc. So, I am pulled in many different directions and most days seem like it is not possible to get it all done.  I obviously had all of these stresses in my mind as I walked and like most of you, I can’t just ignore my responsibilities. The way I thought about all these important pieces of work is what changed.

My decision to hit that pause button, put on some good tunes and go outside led to these 5 results:

1. After 10 minutes of trying to figure out where my phone was, I actually felt RELAXED!
2. I felt like a FRIENDLIER, less stressed version of myself and found myself saying hello and smiling at complete strangers!
3. I was INSPIRED! Like I said earlier, I had to stop (more than once) to write ideas for all those “problems” that were sitting on my desk.
4. I felt REFRESHED after only 30 minutes. I started feeling lighter on my feet and my energy levels were quickly back to 100 percent.
5. I came back to my desk and felt completely FOCUSED on the tasks on my to-do list. I made better decisions (and made them quicker) and I am pretty confident that my level of work was better.

That’s my personal experience and I encourage you to try it yourself. See what happens and enjoy your walk!

And, if you don’t believe me and need more proof, here’s some science: http://www.newyorker.com/tech/elements/walking-helps-us-think

In this Blog Post from Dr. Thurber’s archives, he discusses the importance of spending time and energy on your program. Since many of you are making hiring/purchasing decisions related to your activity areas RIGHT NOW, this is a good time to revisit the idea presented here. Enjoy!

Finding Beauty in an Ashtray

“What is it?” asked my cabin leader, gently.  We both eyed my clay creation as it emerged from the camp kiln, glazed and cooled.  I was 12, so I hadn’t made a something; I’d made an anything.  It had just been fun to pinch and push the clay for our hour-long arts and crafts period.  Now came the hard part: I needed to identify my project.

“Hmm…” I thought out loud.

Finally, my cabin leader said confidently, “Oh, I see.  It’s an ashtray.”

And there it was.  The year was 1980, so it was still permissible to make an ashtray.  Today, the same object would clearly be a politically correct candy dish or a heart-healthy, hypoallergenic soy nut dish.  In any case, it was what it was and there it was.  Like most arts-and-crafts projects at camp, it was, more than anything else, an expressive snapshot of my thoughts, feelings, and actions at the time of creation.  It was simple and personal.  Which is probably why it still sits (sans ashes) on my mother’s writing desk.

Volumes are written about what makes art art and what differentiates art from craft, so instead of writing an essay on aesthetics, I just want to share why I think arts and crafts at camp are so meaningful.  In my mind, anything creative and pleasing to the senses can be art.  Crafts, on the other hand, are construction skills, often learned through apprenticeship.  Naturally, arts and crafts go hand-in-hand.  Michelangelo used the craft of stone carving to create pieces of art like David.  At camp, children learn crafts such as weaving and woodworking to create pieces of art such as baskets and birdhouses.  To what end?

Contemporary conceptualizations of the human mind include the idea of multiple intelligences.  (Interested readers can find books by Howard Gardner and Robert Sternberg.)  Simply put, we have different domains of cognitive strength—such as mathematical, social, verbal, artistic—and those domains compliment each other.  So combining some athletic and social activities at camp with some arts-and-crafts actually feeds kids’ brains.  It’s kind of like intellectual cross-training.  The trouble with some camp arts-and-crafts programs is they are either marginalized or mechanized.

Marginalization occurs when the leadership at camp fails to create an atmosphere where art is valued.  Arts-and-crafts becomes an “uncool” program activity and few campers attend the lame periods that are offered.  The campers who do participate are labeled in ways that suggest they must not be athletic, adventuresome, or heterosexual.

Mechanization occurs when the leadership at camp relies on kits rather than creativity.  Arts-and-crafts devolves into campers purchasing nearly-assembled moccasins, birdhouses, wallets, etc.  The activity periods—if you want to call them that—involve very little activity besides counselors explaining to kids how to interpret the kit’s assembly directions.  Creative juices dry up along with the seed for self-esteem: a genuine sense of accomplishment.

At the best camps, arts-and-crafts programs flourish because the leadership recognizes the value of a balanced program of activities—something that includes athletics, adventure, and art.  Equally important, these programs flourish because campers are challenged to refine their crafty skills, solve problems, and create new works.  The brains and souls of these children are nourished and the camp staff become actively involved in their mission: to nurture positive youth development.  And as an added bonus, some lucky parents and grandparents may get an ashtray—I mean paperweight—on closing day.

Watch April’s Flash Webinar with Dr. Chris Thurber.  Chris explains how misguided our current approach to bullying is and what you can do this summer to implement powerful policies and practices that work.

I need to apologize. I was hit by March madness. If you know anything about me, you know it could not be the March Madness associated with college basketball. It was college basketball right? No, it is the other March Madness – the one that hits all psychologists in March, especially those who work in schools. Even though I am still in the madness that started in March, I wanted to get back to my “habit” of writing and delivering a monthly blog to you.

This month, I want to focus on what I gained from the tri-state camp conference where I was a presenter and attendee. I had so many wonderful experiences. I got to hear and meet Dr. Angela Duckworth, whose research comprises the backbone of my upcoming book on “teen grit.” I had the opportunity to reconnect and spend time with friends and colleagues. I also had the opportunity to meet and attend the workshops of Bob Ditter, a clinical social worker, consultant and camp guru. In addition, to being a true mensch, Bob Ditter shared some important concepts at his workshops about working with children. I would like to share some of his thoughts, together with my spin on them, in this month’s blog. If you are a parent, educator, or have anything to do with children, I am sure you will find them helpful.

Here Are My Favorite Three:

• Talk to Kids in Ways They Can Hear

In the words of Bob Ditter, we need to “connect to kids before we redirect them.” How can we do that? Specifically, we need to “connect through empathy and validation, before we redirect.” As adults we often go quickly into “fix-it” mode or problem solving before we take a moment to empathize. However, it is often the case that until both children and adults feel validated, they will feel stuck. When they feel validated, children and adults are more willing to problem solve and be redirected. Remember, it is not enough to be empathetic only when you believe the feeling expressed is the correct one. Even when you don’t understand or agree, you should validate your child’s and spouse’s feelings. Although some behaviors are not acceptable, feelings are always acceptable.

I also connected to the concept shared by Ditter that you need to “take care of the right side of the brain (the emotional side of the brain) before you can deal with the left side (language/problem solving). You can do this by not discussing the challenging behavior at the “point of the struggle.” We often, (me too), try to have lengthy (one-sided) talks (lectures) when our kids are too emotional. They are not available! It is much better to have this important conversation outside of the moment. When you finally have this conversation, do it by “hooking a compliment to a concern.” What do I mean? Before telling children you are upset about their behavior, share with them what is going well. When I see kids in my office, I always try to start with what worked before we delve into what did not.

I am also a big believer in the concept that everything starts and ends with a positive relationship. Whenever I work with parents and/or children, I always emphasize that nothing can be accomplished without first establishing a positive relationship. Think of the people in your life you felt cared about you and treated you with respect and fairness. Weren’t you willing to do things for them because of your positive relationship? Remember, in the words of Rita Pierson, “Kids don’t learn from people they don’t like.” Therefore, before you try to get children to “hear” you, make sure that you have established a positive relationship.

• Our Expectations Shape People’s Behavior

Ditter shared a study that was written in Adam Grant’s terrific book, Give and Take. The study shows us the power of our labels and how they can affect our impressions. Specifically, Dr. Dov Eden, an Israeli psychologist, conducted a study that showed he could predict with unbelievable accuracy which young recruits in the Israeli military would become top performers. Dr. Eden studied the skills and aptitudes of one thousand recruits. He then selected a group of soldiers he labeled as “high potential.” Dr. Eden then told the commanders that they could “expect unusual achievements” from these soldiers. Sure enough, Dr. Eden was right. Over the next three months, Dr. Eden’s group outperformed their peers. It looked like Eden had an impressive way of identifying talent – or did he? In fact, there was a twist: the high potential soldiers were not really high potential, but rather chosen completely at random. By labeling them as “high-potential,” both the commanders and the soldiers saw themselves as “special,” which led soldiers to act “special.” The phenomenon, known as the Pygmalion Effect, is seen often in educational setting. How so? For example, when we put the “robins” (our high readers) in the “Robin’s Reading Group,” we expect more from them than from the “toads” (our low readers) in the “Toad’s Reading Group,” resulting in them meeting our expectations. In addition, do you really think the “toads” and the “robins” really don’t know what is going on when we “disguise” the names of their reading groups in this way? What can we learn from this? Treat all our students and our children like they are rock stars. By having high expectations for all, more often than not, they will become rock stars.

• Drop the Rope or My Spin – “Drop the Leash”

How many of you have heard of the concept of “drop the rope”? Ditter put this term on the map. “Drop the leash” is a variation on this concept. For those of you who are not familiar with this phrase, many children and adults will approach you with a rope that they want you to grab. They are looking for a debate and someone to grab their “leash” and their negative energy. Don’t grab onto this leash. Instead drop it and react in a way you can be proud. Model an appropriate way to handle frustration rather than mirror out-of-control behavior. To accomplish this goal, try to understand what underlies the person’s actions. Understanding leads to empathy, and empathy erases anger. By pausing to understand the reasons why someone may have said something inappropriate, you can better control your response. Remember, you can be a tremendous role model if you are able to pause to understand before you react, especially when you are feeling frustrated. Instead, mirror back to the person the way you want to be seen and remembered.

I hope you too got something out of this blog as I did from the conference, and thank you BOB DITTER!

HAPPY APRIL! Caren

If you enjoyed these concepts from Caren, check out her videos in ExpertOnlineTraining’s video library.  If your camp doesn’t currently subscribe to ExpertOnlineTraining, contact them at 877-390-2267 to schedule a demo.  

With the weather turning towards Spring and Summer around the corner, many of you will start collecting information from Parents. Here is a fantastic post from Dr. Thurber about one piece of that correspondence.

Enjoy and let the countdown continue!

Dear Parents,

Help Us Help You. Append the Health Form.

It’s not as bad as your income tax form, but most camp health forms are pretty detailed.  Beyond the basic demographics, there’s immunization and illness history, allergies, medications, permission to treat, and data from your son or daughter’s most recent physical.

And now I’m suggestion you add a sheet of information?  Append the health form?  That’s right.  You know your child better than anyone.  Indeed, there are things about him or her that have taken you (and maybe a pediatrician, nurse, or psychiatrist) years to figure out.  Without your help, your child’s surrogate caregivers—his counselors or cabin leaders—don’t stand a chance at figuring all that out in just a few weeks.

“But wait,” you protest, “I don’t want my child to be labeled.  I don’t want him known throughout camp as The ADD Kid or The IEP Kid or The Prozac Kid.”  These are valid concerns.  If the camp’s staff isn’t properly trained on parameters of confidentiality and child development, there’s a chance the information you provide on the health form will be disrespected, over-shared, or communicated out of context.  Thankfully, more and more staff receive proper training on handling children’s private health information.  If the camp doesn’t tell you how they’ll treat confidential information, be sure to ask.

Once assured the camp will respect your son or daughter’s privacy, your next objection might be, “Isn’t camp a purely recreational experience?  Why would my child need to continue taking medication at a place that’s just about fun?”  The simplest answer to that question is: If the medication is helpful in one setting, it’s likely to be helpful in another.  Yes, camp is fun, but it’s also socially, emotionally, behaviorally, and cognitively demanding.  In good ways.  Camp is a powerful accelerator of positive youth development.  And that development is a byproduct of all kinds of healthy risks and challenges, each of which depend on young people’s social, emotional, behavioral, and cognitive functioning.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children not take medication holidays while at camp.  However, if you’re considering that option, be sure to discuss it with your child’s prescribing physician and your camp.  Keeping camp in the dark about recent medication changes is both unethical and unfair—to your child, her new caregivers, and the camp’s health care team.

So you see, it’s important to complete the camp’s health form honestly and thoroughly.  Simply put, your candor and completeness put the camp staff in the best possible position to care for your child.  But the health form is generic; your child is a custom entity.  For that reason, I urge you to type a paragraph or two describing your son or daughter.  Share details about his or her temperament, routines, personal strengths and weaknesses, and social, learning, and coping styles.

The more camp staff understand about what makes your child tick, the better they can meet your child’s needs…and the better experience your child is likely to have.  Camp health care professionals and front-line staff are tremendously grateful to read parents’ insightful reflections on the nature of their child.  It’s the perfect prerequisite to immersing your child in nature.

 

The word “meeting” can evoke negative emotions because most are long, boring, long, and sedentary. In this eye-opening webinar, Steve Maguire will explain 15 simple and practical meeting upgrades you can immediately implement to dramatically improve the way people experience meetings in your camp, school, or parks & rec program. Transform these necessary business gatherings from dreaded obligations to productive events that your staff look forward to attending!