This blog was originally posted on Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman’s website: http://drbaruchfeldman.com/blog-three-strategies-to-help-you-be-the-best-you-can-be/

In my previous blogs, I spoke about making and keeping positive habits, improving self-control, and increasing grit and resilience. For this month’s blog, I will be focusing on three key strategies that I have found incredibly helpful. The three strategies have in common that they 1) cool hot, immediate, and impulsive thinking 2) activate more long-term and thoughtful thinking, and 3) ultimately, allow you to be the person you truly want to be.

1. Make an Advantage Card

I first heard the idea of an “Advantage Card” when I attended Dr. Judith Beck’s Workshop on Cognitive Behavioral Strategies for Weight Loss. She recommended making an Advantage Card to help people lose weight. The idea behind the Advantage Card is to put in writing the advantages for your new, positive habit and to read it each day. An Advantage Card does not only have to be about losing weight. It can be used for any new habit you want to create. I have done Advantage Cards with children that focused on the advantages for calling out less, decreasing procrastination, or being less anxious. The Advantage Card is an effective tool because it places in the forefront what you want to accomplish in the long-term. However, it is not enough to have an Advantage Card. You need to pre-commit to where and when you will look at the card.

Take a minute now and make an Advantage Card for a habit you want to change. Or, encourage your child to make an Advantage Card for what he/she wants to change. You can’t change others so you can’t write an advantage card for another person (e.g., my child will pick up his dirty laundry). Once you have written your card, pick a time and place to read it. Many people choose to read their card first thing in the morning and to leave it on their night stand or in the bathroom. It only takes a minute to read, but it is well worth it.

2. WOOP It Out

Huh? Dr. Gabrielle Oettingen, the originator of WOOP, discusses this principle in her recent book, Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside the New Science of Motivation. She has done numerous studies and has found that the WOOP technique has helped both children and adults change challenging, negative habits. So how does WOOP work?

W = Wish; O = Outcome; O = Obstacles; P = Plan (if-then)

The idea is that when one tries to increase self-control and/or develop a new habit, one should first imagine what it would feel like to have this wish (w) and outcome (o) occur. But then, just as important, one should imagine what the obstacles (o) are that prevent one’s wish and outcome from occurring. Lastly, one needs to make an if-then plan (p) for this obstacle.

For example, if I wanted to yell less at my children that would be my wish (wish). If I yelled less, I would be happier, my kids would be happier, and I would be a good role model (outcome). However, I don’t do this because the need to be right and getting my frustration off my chest takes over (obstacle). My plan then would be if I find myself yelling then I will remind myself that this is counterproductive and take a step back rather than a step forward (plan).

I used WOOP with a student who wanted to procrastinate less (wish). He imagined that if he procrastinated less, he would be less stressed, happier, and his parents would nag him less (outcome). However, he often procrastinated because he did not want to face the annoyance of the work (obstacle). His plan then was if I find myself procrastinating then I will remind myself of the WHOLE PICTURE and that although I may feel good in the moment, this lifestyle makes me stressed in the long-term (plan).

Dr. Mischel discusses in his book, The Marshmallow Test: Mastering Self-Control, that the beauty of an if-then plan is that it gives you time to consider your options and be better able to activate the cool, goal-oriented part of the brain, instead of acting based on what the hot, immediate gratification part of the brain wants.

3. Wait 10

I have a bracelet that says, “Wait 10.” The bracelet (an if-then plan) reminds me to wait 10 minutes before making any decision that my immediate gratification brain thinks is a good idea (e.g., eating carbohydrates after 9 PM). By waiting ten, I have found that I often, although not always, make better choices (drinking tea, instead of eating donuts).

I have made similar bracelets with the kids I work with (e.g., wait 10 before calling out or acting silly). By having a cooling down period, the children have been more successful in tapping into their long-term as opposed to their short-term selves. In addition, to the wait 10 bracelets, I have also made other bracelets with different saying (e.g., “the power of yet,” “breathe,” and “stop and think”) that serve to inspire our best selves.

My point in sharing these strategies with you is not to promote becoming a robot who never engages in fun activities, but rather to inspire adults and children to take charge of their fate, instead of submitting to the short-term, hedonistic part of the brain. Wishing you much success with the strategies 🙂 Caren Baruch-Feldman

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I will be giving a free workshop on this topic (Got Grit? Got Growth? Got Marshmallows? Increasing Self-Control and Resilience in Our Lives and the Lives of Our Children) at the Scarsdale library on Friday, March 6, 2015 from 12:30-1:45. Register with the library by going to http://calendar.scarsdalelibrary.org/event.php?id=894795. If you like these ideas, I encourage you to read Dr. Mischel’s, The Marshmallow Test: Mastering Self Control and Dr. Oettingen’s, Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside the New Science of Motivation. Dr. Oettingen’s has a WOOP app and website (/www.woopmylife.org). In addition, you can get WOOP worksheets at https://characterlab.org/goal-setting.

Please check out my website at drbaruchfeldman.com for additional blogs and articles.

This article was originally published ob Caren Baruch-Feldman’s website: http://drbaruchfeldman.com/part-2-got-grit-got-growth-got-marshmallows-increasing-self-control-and-resilence/

I left you with a cliff hanger. Although I told you the importance of grit and self-control in the previous article, I didn’t go into details as to what strategies you can use. You had to WAIT! But as cookie monster says, “Good things come to those that wait.” This idiom is true for you as well. In Part 2 of this blog, I will discuss strategies parents and teachers can use to increase self-control, grit, and resilience in their children.

Grit and self-control go hand-in-hand. Self-control is about delaying gratification and resisting temptations, while grit is about persevering and remaining on track. Grit is about how to keep saying “yes” (e.g., staying with a difficult task) when yes is needed.

Whereas self-control is often about how to say, “no” (e.g., not eating the marshmallow, not yelling), when no is needed. According to Dr. Duckworth, “grit is passion and perseverance, sticking with your future, day in and day out.”

How do you encourage grit, self-control, and resilience in your children?

1. Don’t swoop in. It is easy as a parent to break into the “mama tiger,” the part of you that wants to protect your children and solve their issues. However, for small matters, resist! Having some challenges to overcome is good for children. For example, as an Elementary School psychologist, I often help youngsters who are experiencing friendship issues. Although I feel for the children (mostly girls) going through it, I know that these experiences will give them strength, thicker skin, and grit later on.

2. We need to be gritty about our kids being gritty. As parents and teachers, we should make it okay for children to face challenges because that is where learning takes place. As teachers, we should create classrooms where trying, struggling, and taking risks are as important, or even more important, as getting the answer correct. Children need to become comfortable with the struggle so they see it as just a normal part of learning.

3. We need to encourage a growth mindset. How do we do that? Help your children to see that when a challenge arises, there is always an opportunity for growth, change, and evolution. Dr. Carol Dweck, in her book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, describes the difference between a “fixed” and a “growth mindset.” A fixed mindset means that an individual has a set amount, or a fixed amount of talents and abilities. Individuals with a fixed mindset often go through life avoiding challenges and failure. They don’t apply themselves. Why should they? Their talents are fixed. Kids with fixed mindsets can often easily navigate the younger grades, but when they face their first challenge in the later grades, fallapart and quit, rather than persevere. In contrast, individuals with a growth mindset believe that their ability to learn is not fixed, but can change with effort. Failure is not seen as a permanent condition, but rather one from which to grow.

4. Praise the process, not the product. Dr. Dweck speaks about the importance of parents and teachers praising the process as opposed to the product. By doing so, children will be more willing to grow and challenge themselves rather than play it safe. As parents and teachers, we need to move away from “you are so smart” and instead to “you must have worked really hard.”

5. Change the mindset. For all these strategies, one needs to change one’s mindset. Certain mindsets elicit the long-term part of the brain to emerge, and certain mindsets encourage the short-term, immediate gratification part to come out. For example, distracting oneself, not focusing on the hot aspects of the item (looking, smelling, and touching), changing the item to something less desirable, and focusing on the end goal, encourages self-control, grit, and resilience. The point is not to be a robot who never engages in fun activities, but instead to have yourself or your children be in charge of their fate, instead of having the short-term, hedonistic part of the brain take over.

In summary, we need to encourage our children to live their lives as though it were a marathon and not a sprint, to perceive challenges as setbacks to overcome, and failures as learning opportunities. Lastly, we need to lead by example, share our own gritty times, and remind our children that what is often most meaningful comes with work and effort.

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If you like these ideas, I encourage you to read Dr. Mischel’s, The Marshmallow Test: Mastering Self Control, and Dr. Dweck’s, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, Dr. Tough’s, How Children Succeed. In addition, please see Dr. Angela Duckworth’s TED Talk on grit. Dr. Dweck also has an interesting website – http://www.mindsetworks.com (check out brainology). I also wanted to share the following you-tube videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmW3H-EXYS0 and Life= Risk–Motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yetHqWODp0.

I will be giving a free workshop on this topic (Got Grit, Got Growth, Got Marshmallows? Increasing Self-Control and Resilience in Our Lives and the Lives of Our Children) at the Scarsdale library on Friday, March 6, 2015 from 12:30-1:45. Register with the library by going to http://calendar.scarsdalelibrary.org/event.php?id=894795

Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman has had success using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help children and adults with depression, anxiety, stress, ADHD and weight loss. She maintains a private practice in Scarsdale and works part-time as a school psychologist in Westchester County, New York. Caren is expert in conducting and interpreting psycho-educational evaluations. For many years Caren was the Camp Psychologist at Camp Ramah in Nyack, NY. Caren has trained hundreds of teachers, administrators, parents and heathcare professionals giving in-service workshops and lectures throughout the country. Caren can be reached at (914) 646-9030

This article was originally posted on Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman’s blog:
http://drbaruchfeldman.com/got-grit-got-marshmallows-increasing-self-control-and-resilience-in-the-lives-of-our-children/

Imagine twenty-five second graders sitting at their desks with a marshmallow in front of them, but NO ONE eats it. What is going on? Second graders at Harrison Avenue are working on self-control. But, how did they do it? The second graders had the benefit of learning some self-control strategies from an old friend, cookie monster.

Dr. Walter Mischel in his new book, The Marshmallow Test: Mastering Self-Control discusses his famous marshmallow test. In his original test, conducted nearly 50 years ago, preschoolers were given a choice, one marshmallow now or two marshmallows later. The experimenter then left the preschooler alone in a room for 15 minutes to decide what to do. Dr. Mischel discovered that preschoolers who could wait, went on to have better outcomes later in life (e.g., higher SAT scores, more advanced degrees, better able to cope with stress).

But, what helped some kids wait while others could not? By activating cool, goal oriented thoughts such as not looking at the marshmallow, putting the marshmallow in a picture frame, imagining the marshmallow was something non-desirable, or by focusing on the end goal (two marshmallows instead of one), preschoolers were more successful in waiting. In contrast, activating hot, demanding immediate gratification thoughts such as staring at the marshmallow, smelling the marshmallow, or thinking how yummy it would be to eat it, made it more likely that the kids could not wait. Dr. Mischel discovered that although for some kids it is genetically easier to wait than for others, you can teach these strategies.

In a terrific partnership with Sesame Street, he did just that: teach these skills. In the Sesame Street videos, the same ones that were shown to the second graders at Harrison Avenue, cookie monster is seen cooling his thoughts, so he could wait. What we see in these videos is cookie monster showing grit, changing his mindset, and ultimately showing self-control.

What does it mean to show grit? Dr. Angela Duckworth is one of the leading experts on grit. She explains in a TED Talk that has been seen by over five million people that “grit is passion and perseverance, sticking with your future, day in and day out”. She discusses that success is associated with a growth mindset where failure is not seen as a permanent condition. Successful people believe that their skill set is not “fixed”, but rather that it can change with effort.

In my private practice, I often see kids who lack “grit”. When faced with a challenge, they think that they have a limited amount of skills and that when challenged the answer is quitting (they just want to eat the marshmallow). However, in my work with these youngsters, I encourage them to see a challenge as an opportunity to grow and to treat their lives not like a sprint, but rather as a marathon.

I often give kids the example of what I hear from one of my favorite instructors at the gym. The instructor who teaches the “Extreme Limits Class” does NOT say, “Oh you are tired, just drop the weights”. Oh no! Instead she says, “You are tired, that’s a good sign. It means your muscles are changing, keep going, you can do it!” The instructor is encouraging cool thoughts, grit, and a different mindset!

In Part 2 of this blog (coming out next month), I will be discussing strategies that parents and teachers can use to increase grit and mindset change which ultimately will lead to self-control and more resilience. You will have to have some self-control and wait until January to find out.

In the meantime, how do you keep from not eating the marshmallow? As many second graders told me, “I changed it into a smelly fish” or “I remembered that you would give me two, if I waited”, and lastly, “I remembered what was important”. Hoping the wisdom shared from our students helps you, with whatever your “marshmallow” is.
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If you like these ideas I encourage you to read Dr. Mischel’s The Marshmallow Test: Mastering Self Control. In addition, check out Angela Duckworth’s TED Talk on grit and two videos on youtube produced by Sesame Street (“Me Want It” and “Sesame Street: The Waiting Game with Guy Smiley”). Please check out my website at drbaruchfeldman.com for additional blogs, articles, and presentations.

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EOT Faculty member Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman works part-time in the Harrison schools and maintains a private practice in Scarsdale. She can be reached at (914) 646-9030. Other articles are available at drbaruchfeldman.com.

With the beginning of the school year and the Jewish New Year approaching, it is a good time to reflect on our own behavior and the behavior of others we can influence. We all are eager to grow as people and to help develop the people in our charge. But, the real challenge is how can we make lasting and meaningful changes? The answer is NOT by denying, screaming, and focusing on the negative. Instead what we know is that in order to make lasting and real change, we need to come from a place of JOY and a place of “YES”!
To see how this is true, try doing a simple exercise with me. First, shake your head “no”. When you shook your head “no”, what did you feel? Now, shake your head “yes”. What feelings come up now? If you are like most people when you shook your head “no” you might have felt the muscles of your face tighten, an increase in negative emotions, and even a tendency to take a step back. However, what happened when you shook your head “yes”? Shaking your head “yes” is often accompanied with feelings of peace, acceptance, and lightness. So what does this have to do with change? We often go about changing ourselves and others by telling ourselves and others “no”! For example, no more computer, no more cake, or no more running in the halls. However, when we focus on the no, it is human nature to fight it (we actually take a step back). You may know the famous pink elephant experiment. It is a good example of how saying “NO” backfires. If I ask you, do NOT think of pink elephants; do not think of pink elephants dancing, ice skating, or running down the halls, what happens? All you can think of are pink elephants engaged in some unusual activities. What would happen instead if we focused on the “yes”? Yes, to more meaningful activities, yes, to healthy bodies, yes, to foods that energizes us and promotes health, and yes, to being productive, calm, and thoughtful in our everyday life.
I have used the philosophy of “YES” in my own life. I lost 20 pounds about two years ago. I had tried in the past to lose weight, but it was always from a place of “no”. What I did differently this time and I continually do now was to focus on the positive aspects of the journey rather than on the deprivation. So instead of focusing on “not eating that marshmallow” I focus on why this decision is good for me, my health, and the clothes I can buy.
This attitude is not only true about weight loss. It is true for all behaviors we want to change. Whether it is getting yourself to stop yelling at home, or helping your child bring home his/her agenda book home every night – try to create these new behaviors by emphasizing the value in them and making it a win-win (a yes). My challenge to you is to take one behavior for yourself and one behavior for the children in your life and address it from a place of “yes”. Follow these three simple rules.
1. Frame the Behavior in the Positive (e.g., I will be calm with my children, I will eat healthier, I will be on time). Many people try to change a habit by resisting urges, using willpower and saying, “no”, However, the human mind doesn’t like being told “no”. Highlight the positive aspects rather than focusing on the deprivation. This positive outlook will lead to less resistance and ultimately to more success.
2. Stand Firm, No Wavering: This notion of “standing firm” has been for me, one of the most important ones. The idea is that whatever behavior you decide to change, once you commit, you need to tell yourself that there is no choice. “This is what I am doing!” It is the wavering that causes all the trouble. Once you start having a dialogue, “Should I eat the cookie, it is only one, I was so good today,” or “I know I am late, but it is only a few minutes, I’m sure it will be fine,” you have lost the battle! Don’t get into the dialogue, instead stand firm. I often think about this in terms of me being kosher. I don’t eat lobster. I am not tempted by lobster. It is a no-brainer and takes no willpower. It is because there is no choice and I never waver from that decision that it is easy for me.
3. Bring the Behavior to the Forefront By Making an Advantage Card: An advantage card lists the advantages of the new behavior(s). An advantage card for losing weight may include: will feel healthier, fit in my clothes better, not have pain in my feet, etc. An advantage card for being patient with your child during homework time may include: will feel better afterwards, my child will listen to me more, my son/daughter won’t be putting me in a nursing home, etc. Whatever behavior you are trying to work on, make an advantage card and read it every day before you start your day. By reading the advantage card every day, you are setting yourself up for the day you want, rather than experiencing the day you fall into.
Remember, when we individually choose to be more positive we don’t affect ourselves, we affect our whole community.
Warm Regards- Caren Baruch-Feldman
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EOT Faculty member Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman works part-time in the Harrison schools and maintains a private practice in Scarsdale. She can be reached at (914) 646-9030. Other articles are available at drbaruchfeldman.com.

This article, which quotes the work of EOT’s faculty Caren Baruch-Feldman, was originally published in The Scarsdale Inquirer on April 11, 2014.

According to Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman, using sheer will power to control one’s impulses and actions simply does not work. At best, will power is a limited resource in short supply. At her presentation at Edgemont High School March 19, “Helping Children Change: It’s Not About Willpower,” subtitled “What science tells us about forming and maintaining new habits in children,” Baruch-Feldman said instead of relying on will power to “muscle in” on change, kids — and adults — can modify their behavior by adopting good habits to replace bad ones. (Baruch-Feldman recently presented the same series at the Scarsdale Library.)

Baruch-Feldman, who has a private practice in Scarsdale and is a school psychologist in Harrison, became her own test case, asking herself why she couldn’t just lose weight by forcing herself to behave differently.
To illustrate the problem she played a video showing people stuck on an escalator that had stopped moving. They complained about the escalator malfunctioning and how nobody was repairing it, while they continued to stand on the same steps on the stationary mechanism. They were so accustomed to their old ways, they could not see the obvious solution to the problem: simply walking down or up to reach their destination.
Baruch-Feldman was careful to point out that with school-aged children, change can only happen if there is a positive relationship between the parent and child. She asked parents in the audience to describe changes they would like to see in their kids. One woman wished for her daughter to be more communicative. Another wanted her son to spend less time playing video games.

Like the Johnny Mercer song says, “You’ve got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative.” Only after parents have provided a positive environment, show empathy for their child and give credit can they prepare their children for change in behavior, and Baruch-Feldman said the same is true in adults. “In our own lives, it’s easier to make a change when you’re getting positive feedback.”

There has to be an agreement on goals — a difficult goal in itself — if a teenage boy perceives no problem if he’s playing video games for hours, yet is still getting good grades in school. Getting kids to “buy in” to that goal was a particular hurdle for some Edgemont parents. Baruch- Feldman said waiting until your son is in a good mood is the time to have the conversation, and “to plant the seeds and get to work on small things. If you are always that annoying person telling your child to get off the computer, then it won’t work. Parents should ask why the new behavior is going to be best for him and ask how their children can be part of the solution,” she said.
Parents think of creating a positive atmosphere for change as “putting money in the bank,” she said, so that when you ask kids to do things, it is like taking a “withdrawal. Figure out when things are working. When does the daughter become more communicative?”

Using her own son as an example, Baruch- Feldman said she stocked up on a particular brand of water he liked which set the stage for changes she wanted him to make, like keeping track of his jacket and remembering to take medication.

It is a scientific fact that the frontal lobe in a child’s brain is not fully formed, which affects their emotional control, impulsivity and the ability to think about long-term consequences. Because their brains are less flexible, “we [adults] have to be their frontal lobe,” said Baruch-Feldman. Children are “works-in-progress” and may not be ready to change.

But in reality, change is hard for almost everybody, presenting a tug of war between what feels good in the moment versus the right decision in the long run. The goal is to help make change as easy as possible. “Our brains are lazy,” said Baruch-Feldman. Will power is a limited resource. Successful people bypass the attempt at will power and the “muscling in” and instead make something a habit.

Baruch-Feldman presented the “Stages of Behavioral Change” found in the book “Changing For Good” by James O. Prochaska. Those steps include precontemplative, contemplation, preparation, action and maintenance. Change is a gradual process and won’t likely occur if adults force kids to go from precontemplative directly to action. “If you skip or go too quickly, then it won’t happen,” she said.

Other tips for making a change include:
• Avoiding triggers. It is better to avoid triggers (junk food, for example) than to keep being near them and trying to resist them.
• Waiting 10 minutes before doing something undesirable (like eating the junk food) promotes planning for the long term.
• Let people know your goal and get social support.
• Writing down the change is an effective strategy, especially when kids experience anxiety.
• Choose one behavior to change instead of a whole laundry list.
• Keep an “advantage card.” Write down the advantages of the new behavior and read it every day.

Albert Ellis, credited with founding cognitive behavioral therapy, advocates not just changing habits, but changing beliefs. A child may feel he “can’t stand” something — a homework assignment or a class — but adults can try to get him to see issues more accurately. Kids tend to think in black and white. Parents can help them think more “in the gray.” It is not the event itself that’s making a person upset, it is how the person is thinking about it. Parents should find out, “What is the negative thinking that’s getting in the way?”

A child should be reassured that her whole self worth is not based on one incident going badly. That incident should be thought of as just one action and not a determinant of who they are as a human being.
Finally, Baruch-Feldman addressed the idea that kids with “cushy lives” have to be challenged, need to be taught to have “grit” and adopt a growth mindset instead of shying away from challenges. “Eventually students are going to hit a wall and have to work hard,” she said. Other pitfalls occur when students think, “I messed up, so I might as well forget the whole thing.” Stand firm, remind yourself of the whole story, not just the beginning. “One slip does not cause a downfall.”

Baruch-Feldman introduced her presentation by showing a “before” picture of herself as a heavier woman who struggled with her weight, next to the “after” picture showing her trimmer self after losing 25 pounds. Although she must remind herself to stay in the “maintenance” mode of Prochaska’s stages of behavioral change, she is living proof that making a habit out of eating healthier worked better than any will power ever could.

Stages of Behavior Change:
Dr. Baruch-Feldman cited the five stages of behavior change from the book, “Changing for Good,” by James Prochaska
1. Precontemplation (unaware of the problem)
2. Contemplation (aware of the problem and of the desired behavior change)
3. Preparation (intends to take action)
4. Action (practices the desired behavior)
5. Maintenance (works to sustain the behavior change)

Recommended reading: “The Power of Habit” by Charles Duhigg, “The Willpower Instinct” by Kelly McGonigal, “Willpower” by Roy Baumeister and John Tierny, “Switch” by Chip Heath and Dan Heath, and “Raising Resilient Children” by Robert Brooks, Ph.D. and Sam Goldstein, Ph.D. For more information about Caren Baruch-Feldman or to see her March 19 PowerPoint presentation at EHS, visit drbaruchfeldman. com.

As New Year’s Eve comes around I thought it was a good time to share this article. Happy New Year’s to you.

As a psychologist, I am often struck by how both children and adults desire to change, but when faced with the obstacle they want to tackle, they fall back onto old habits. I recently read a number of books on willpower and habit formation* and realized that these books hold the key to making the changes people really want to implement. So if you are interested in changing your waistline, or the tone you use when speaking to your child, the following ideas will help you to better achieve your goals:

• It is important to recognize that many of the bad behaviors (overeating, yelling, procrastinating, etc.) we engage in are “habits”. When a habit occurs, the brain goes on automatic pilot. Your brain acts lazy so unless you deliberately fight a habit by finding a new routine, the pattern will be followed automatically. The good news is that even though it is hard to change a habit, if you are diligent and consistent in creating new routines, the new routines will become as automatic as your old habits.

• All habits exist because there is a cue, a routine, and a reward. For example, when your child starts to whine, that is the cue. The routine is you screaming, “Stop!” The reward is the end of the whining. This cycle creates a habit loop. What we know about changing habits is that the cue stays the same and the reward results naturally, so what we can control and change is the routine. If your child starts to whine, you can establish a new routine of walking away. The cue is still the whining and the new reward is that 1) you are proud of how you acted and 2) your child learns eventually that whining doesn’t lead her/him to get what he/she wants.

• Some habits are considered gateway habits or “keystone habits”. Once you start changing them, other habits start to change as well. For example, people who habitually exercise become more productive at work. If you focus on changing keystone habits, you can cause widespread shifts.

• According to C. Duhigg who wrote the book, “The Power of Habit”, “Willpower is the single most important keystone habit for individual success”. Willpower is a real form of mental energy, powered by glucose in the bloodstream, which is used up as you exert self-control. This is why dieting is so challenging — because you need willpower to diet and the only way to get willpower is through sugar (ugh). A study, led by Wilhelm Hofmann of the University of Chicago, showed that the people with the best self-control are the ones who use their willpower less often. Instead of fending off one urge after another, these people set up their lives to minimize temptations. They are proactive instead of defensive, using their willpower in advance so that they avoid crises and conserve their willpower reserves.

• Since willpower is a limited resource, it is best to transform those activities that require willpower into habits. Once the activity is a habit, it is automatic and no longer needs to draw upon the limited resource of willpower. For example, brushing my teeth in the morning is a habit for me. It doesn’t take willpower for me to do it. However, my son, who has not made tooth brushing into a habit, has to use willpower. The good news is that with my continued encouragement, tooth brushing will also turn into a habit for my son and will eventually be effortless and automatic for him as well.

• Willpower is like a muscle. It gets tired as it works harder. So, the more willpower you use throughout the day, the less you will have later on (now I understand why I am so tempted by late night snacks). So what can you do? Here are some suggestions that will help you to best utilize your willpower in order to effect change in your life:

Change one habit at a time. With a finite supply of willpower, it’s tough enough to reach one goal, so take on only one goal at a time. For example, don’t take on exercising, being nicer to your spouse, and being earlier for carpool all at the same time. Take on one.

Write it down and be specific. Write down what you want to take on– the more specific, the better. For example writing, “I will walk at 7:00 AM each day for 25 minutes” or “I will have patience with my daughter during math homework” is better than just thinking “I will exercise” and “I will have patience”. Writing down what you want to accomplish and being specific increases success.

Get social support. Let others know that you are working on a goal and try to work on the goal together. By letting people know what you are doing, you pre-commit and have a better chance of changing your ways (this is one of the secrets of Weight Watchers).

It takes three week. Changing a habit takes three weeks. Have patience and give it some time.

Practice meditation. Practicing mindfulness meditation for a few minutes each day can actually boost willpower by building up gray matter in areas of the brain that regulate emotions and govern decision making. Paying attention to what’s happening in the moment, what’s going on in your body, your mind, and all around you, can make it easier to pay attention to choices you make throughout the day.

Reward often. Rewards are necessary to change and sustain habits. If you want your willpower to last, reward yourself often.

Don’t overreact when you mess up. For example, one reason dieters fail is a phenomenon known informally as the “what the hell effect.” Once people lapse, they figure the day’s diet is blown anyway, so they go on to finish the whole carton of ice cream, thereby doing far more damage than the original lapse.

I hope these ideas inspire you. If you do decide to change a habit– remember to pick one habit at a time, write it down, tell your friends, meditate, reward yourself, and don’t overreact if you mess up. Soon the new habit will become as automatic as some of your old bad ones.
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The ideas for this article come from the following books: C. Duhigg’s “The Power of Habit”, K. McGonigal’s “The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It” and F. Baumeister’s “Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength.” I highly recommend reading these books in their entirety.

Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman works part-time in the Harrison schools and maintains a private practice in Scarsdale. She can be reached at (914) 646-9030. Other articles are available at drbaruchfe1dman.com.

In this presentation, Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman reviews the latest research in habit building and willpower (based on 4 books). This presentation is designed for the Students’ Wellness Fair at the Ardsley Middle School.

Dr. Baruch-Feldman is a licensed psychologist and a certified school psychologist. She has been on the EOT faculty since 2011. www.drbaruchfeldman.com

In this presentation, Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman discusses weight loss strategies and the maintenance of good habits. Dr. Baruch-Feldman reviews key principles from Judith Beck’s book The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person, and then discusses how to apply these principles to our own lives.

 

Dr. Baruch-Feldman is a licensed psychologist and a certified school psychologist.  She has been on the EOT faculty since 2011.  www.drbaruchfeldman.com

In this presentation, Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman reviews the latest research in habits and willpower, helps you develop your own positive, new habits, and teaches the secrets of making New Year’s Resolutions that stick.

Dr. Baruch-Feldman is a licensed psychologist and a certified school psychologist.  She has been on the EOT faculty since 2011.  www.drbaruchfeldman.com

In this article, my focus is not on making new habits, but rather on how to MAINTAIN them. I recently lost 25 pounds. I used many of the techniques (e.g., being mindful of what I ate, writing it down, and being very public about my goal) to change some of my bad habits. However, maintaining weight loss is even trickier than losing it. Unfortunately, according to most statistics, the long-term success rates of most weight-loss programs are not high. However, there are things you can do that can help you to maintain good habits and avoid potential obstacles.

In this article, I will focus on some of the ideas that have helped me to maintain my habits and reach my goals. Many of the ideas described in this article come from The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think like a Thin Person by Judith Beck. So, if you want to lose some weight, increase your patience as a parent, or be more efficient in the morning (I think I covered almost everyone with my examples), read below.

Make an Advantage Card: An advantage card lists the advantages of your goal(s) or new habit(s).  An advantage card for losing weight may include: will feel healthier, fit in my clothes better, not have pain in my feet, etc. An advantage card for being patient with your child during homework time may include: will feel better afterwards, my child will listen to me more, my son/daughter won’t be putting me in a nursing home, etc. Whatever habit you are trying to work on, make an advantage card and read it every day before you start your day. By reading the advantage card every day, you are setting yourself up for the day you want, rather than experiencing the day you fall into.

No Pain, No Gain: Jane Fonda in the 80’s was quoted as saying, “No pain, no gain.” Although no one expects you to suffer tremendous pain, a little bit of discomfort may be required. In the book, The Beck Diet Solution, one of the exercises Dr. Beck recommends is a mini fast (skipping lunch). The individual needs to fast from breakfast to dinner and write down how uncomfortable he/she feels each hour. What people discover is that, although they thought they would be miserable, they often only feel slightly uncomfortable.  More importantly, they learn that despite their discomfort, they can tolerate it. Furthermore, they learn that just because they feel uncomfortable, they don’t need to do anything about it. Many people report to Dr. Beck that this exercise was the most helpful exercise because they learn that they can feel hungry and won’t fall apart.

Stand Firm, No Wavering: This notion of “standing firm” has been for me, one of the most important ones. The idea is that whatever habit you decide to change, once you commit, you need to tell yourself that you are absolutely not going to give in and that there is no choice. It is the wavering that causes all the trouble. Once you start having a dialogue, “Should I eat the cookie, it is only one, I was so good today,” or “I know I am late, but it is only a few minutes, I’m sure it will be fine,” you have lost the battle! Don’t get into the dialogue, instead stand firm. I often think about this in terms of me being kosher. I don’t eat lobster. I am not tempted by lobster. It is a no-brainer and takes no willpower. It is because there is no choice and I never waver from that decision that it is easy for me. As Judith Beck says, “NO CHOICE, I can stand it.”

Remind Yourself of the Whole Story, Not Just the Beginning: Oftentimes, when we engage in a negative habit, we focus on how we immediately feel. Whether it is overeating, yelling at someone who has irritated us, or hitting the snooze button one more time, we tend to focus on the immediate gratification. However, what we fail to remember is the middle and the end to the story. I often say to my patients, “Don’t just think about the cover and the first page, think about pages 2 through 700.” We easily forget how we feel after we have overeaten, yelled at our son or daughter, or when we are late for work. However, the initial gratification only lasts a few seconds, whereas the rest of the story lasts much longer and often has more powerful consequences. It is important to ask yourself, after you have imagined the whole story, what feels better, the immediate gratification or the rest that follows?

Meditate: I mentioned this in the previous article, but it bears repeating — meditate. This is coming from someone with a Type A personality. Recent research has found that meditation provides us a way to have some control over our nervous system. Practicing mindfulness meditation for even a few minutes each day can help you better regulate your emotions and make better decisions. Paying attention to what’s happening in the moment, what’s going on in your body, your mind, and all around you, can make it easier to pay attention to choices you make throughout the day.

Planning and More Planning: As I mentioned before, there are not that many people who lose weight and maintain their weight loss. Since they are a unique group, the National Weight Control Registry was established to investigate the characteristics of those people who succeed at long-term weight loss. What they discovered was that the people who maintained their weight loss continued to plan and be thoughtful about their food choices for the rest of their lives. They didn’t go on a diet and then go off the diet. This is true for all negative habits. You need to be aware of what your obstacles are and plan for them. For example, Judith Beck and many nutritionists recommend not standing while eating. By making this proactive choice, you are taking a preventive measure that has been found to be incredibly helpful. Plan for your obstacles, rather than let them naturally unfold.

One Swan Doesn’t Make a Summer: We all face obstacles and we all have setbacks, but it is important not to let one setback push you away from your new and improved habits. Just because you yelled today doesn’t mean you will yell tomorrow. Just because you ate one donut doesn’t mean you need to eat the whole box. Don’t let a small mistake lead to an even bigger one.

Don’t Make It About “No” — Make It About “Yes”: Many people try to change a habit by resisting urges, using willpower and saying, “no”, However, the human mind doesn’t like being told “no”. Try this experiment with me. Don’t think about pink elephants, don’t think about pink elephants dancing, and don’t think about pink elephants ice skating or even hiking Bear Mountain. What happened to you when I said, “Don’t think about pink elephants.” I am sure that like most people, all you could think of were pink elephants. The same is true when we say “no” or “don’t” to our bad habits. All we can do is think about them. So how can you get around this? Make it about “yes”. Instead of saying to yourself, “I’m not going to eat that cake” remind yourself “I am doing this for my health and it’s worth it.” “Instead of saying, “I don’t want to wake up.” Remind yourself, “I really like getting to work a few minutes earlier so I’m not so rushed.” Highlight the positive aspects of your habits rather than focusing on the deprivation. This positive outlook will lead to less resistance and ultimately to more success.

Get Social Support and Make It Public: As I mentioned in the previous article, let others know that you are working on a goal and try to work on the goal together. By letting people know what you are doing, you pre-commit and have a better chance of both changing and maintaining your ways. When I attended Judith Beck’s lecture, she mentioned that conducting workshops on weight loss has kept her committed to keeping a healthy weight. With that sentiment in mind–I would like to thank all of you in advance for helping me stay committed.
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If you liked this article, I highly recommend reading Judith Beck’s book, The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person. Dr. Caren Baruch-Feldman works part-time in the Harrison schools and maintains a private practice in Scarsdale. She can be reached at (914) 646-9030. Other articles are available at drbaruchfeldman.com.